We all know consent is hot, but it’s a topic that is seriously under-explored in the gay community. Our straight brothers & sisters have brought the issue to the forefront of the media lately. Perhaps it’s time we think about it too.
The thing about consent is that it can be revoked at any time. My fellow kinksters in the BDSM community need to be especially mindful of this. Something I let all newcomers to scene in on: the BDSM ‘starter pack’ requires a few things besides gear and fun scenarios to act out. The hottest play first evolves from a foundation of trust, communication & respect. One sure fire way to ensure consent is for subs to choose a safe word and for doms to honor it. But how to choose?
Here are my top 5 guidelines to ease the process. Have fun!
1. Go for clarity – the word should be distinct, roll off the tongue, and not be a homonym or easily mistaken for another word. If the subs mouth is covered or muffled, perhaps a gesture or a series of eye blinks are in order.
2. Avoid confusion: words like ‘no’ or ‘stop’ are not ideal as these phrases might actually be part of your play. Consider the scenes you act out and the way you interact with your partner. Your safe word should stick out like a sore thumb during a session.
3. Something easy to remember – in the heat of the moment will this word come easily to you?
4. 100% Agreed upon & respected – again communication & trust are key ingredients.
If you’re still stumped, why not choose from America’s top 3 most used safe words:
5. Know Your Limits – A sub must understand & communicate what their boundaries are and what actions would cause them to deploy the safeword. Perhaps a series of words is appropriate (Ex: ‘green’ for keep going, ‘yellow’ for ease off and ‘red’ for STOP!)
Ultimately it’s up to you and your partner to make your own rules. Together you set the foundation, and then you rock the house.