You’re So 2016…

The types of guys we hate on dating apps

This is an open letter aimed directly to a specific subset of the gay online dating jungle: the confusing foursome. We’ve all had the misfortune of encountering these thrill seeking, information hiding, and mind boggling profiles that simply leave us asking: why? So let’s take a closer look at the, not so gentle, men that have been frustrating twinks and bears alike for far too long! 

The Headless Torso

I want to preface this description by saying that I am in no way body shaming these chesty bros for their birth defect. Being born without a head, now that is truly unfortunate. However, word to the wise: gays love head!

Then again, what’s the big deal about someone’s face, right? It’s not like anyone has ever fallen for a guy because of his adorable dimples, or gotten lost in a man’s dazzling eyes, or even blushed at the sight of their date’s dashing smile. So let’s stop the back and forth of having to ask for pictures and show off our features up front. TBQH, unless you’re Nearly Headless Nick and you have the power to whisk me away to Hogwarts, chances are I’ll prefer you with a head on your shoulders.

The Hater

It’s one thing to be attracted to specific attributes in a man. However, it is a completely separate thing to blatantly discriminate against part of the gay community and brush it of as ‘preferences’. Most of us have a ‘type’ of guy that we tend to be physically attracted to.

When you happen to stumble upon a hot guy’s profile and then read “No fats, no fems, no Asians” in the profile description, you know for a fact that this person is a body shaming racist. If season 8 of RuPaul’s Drag Race taught us anything, it’s that being ‘fat, fem, and Asian’ can truly be sickening. Pay no mind to the haters.

The Fantasy

Every once in a while, you happen to come across the seemingly perfect profile. Your screen lights up with the most gorgeous man you’ve ever seen. Then, you open up his stats and he’s exactly what you’re looking for: a tall, buff, versatile stud looking for everything from fun to dates. The best part: he’s single. But wait. This seems too good to be true, because it is.

I’m not saying you won’t find your perfect 10 out there. What I am saying is that this dreamy stud could in fact be just that: a dream. Often these profiles have pictures uploaded from the Internet and reused as click bait. Beware of the catfishing jerks out there trying to fool you. In the words of Mother Monster herself “it wasn’t love, it was a perfect illusion.”

The Unknown

There isn’t much to say about this type of profile. Any information will have to be deciphered through extensive conversation and sneaky manipulations. Break out your best Priyanka Chopra, FBI-approved interrogation tactics and Quantico the shit out of him.

If a profile sans photograph hasn’t already turned you away, you’ll be hard pressed to find anything else on his profile. Age? Nope. Height and weight? Not a chance. Relationship status? No comment. Not even top or bottom? Negative. But as they say “age is but a number” and I bet he has a great personality.

To paraphrase an iconic statement… make your profile great again.